All of us feel the impact of what’s happening in the world today in our minds and in our hearts. This post is the second in a three-part series addressing how to renew and replenish during these really challenging times. In order to support our families and communities, it is integral to sustain our own wellbeing. Especially in times of chronic stress, when so much feels out of our control, it’s important to get back to the “basics”, what we can control.
Three key practices to support our wellbeing are:
1. Calm our nervous system
2. Access our inner resources
3. Deepen our connection with others
To recap from the last post, the first of these interconnected practices is to calm our nervous system. Our mind and mood cannot be separated from our bodies and physiology. So, the first step is to reconnect with our physical bodies and overall health. This means pay attention to nutrition, movement, rest, and mindful relaxation or meditation. There’s a ton of science that supports this as a key to physical and mental health.
Today we’re going to focus on the second interrelated practice: accessing our inner resources. When in a state of chronic stress and non-stop demands, we may feel we don’t have time to cultivate connection with the larger purpose of our life. But, paradoxically, when we take the time to pause and connect with our deeply held personal values and intentions, life can feel more manageable and we can feel more connected and less alone. Research shows that folks with a strong sense of purpose in life do better on mental wellbeing measures, exercise more, engage in more health preventative behaviors, have improved stress management, less depression and anxiety, and greater life satisfaction. I love the work of Dr. Shauna Shapiro around intention, attention, and attitude.
Our intention can powerfully focus our attention. Where we focus our attention, becomes our life.
We all have habits, some are more uplifting and sustaining than others. COVID has strained all of our abilities and time. But what we practice, even a little bit, grows stronger, especially if we do so in community. Clear intention can help us pause, amidst the demands of daily life, and focus our attention on uplifting habits and relationships. The science demonstrates that healthy behavior change (uplifting habits) is more sustainable when it is motivated by unique and personal goals and values (as opposed to external ideas or expectations). Expectations come from outside of us (often in the form of pressure or critical self-evaluation), intentions come from within.
In addition to intention and attention, the attitude with which we approach our intentions and habits really matters. One of our key inner resources is our mindset. Having a growth mindset builds neural flexibility for ourselves and the people in our lives. In particular, holding an attitude of kindness and self-compassion is key, particularly for when we “go off track”. Before you hold your nose at the soft idea of “self-compassion”, know that the science shows that self-compassion is associated with higher psychological wellbeing, better physical health, and improved personal and professional skills.
If we can bring an attitude of kind curiosity to our “mistakes”, we are much more apt to be able to problem solve and try a new approach. Self-compassion is the opposite of shame and blame. Shame and blame are a painful waste of energy, separate us from others, and actually prevent us from making an honest assessment of what needs to shift to continue our path of intention. I love Nelson Mandela’s words, “I never lose. I only win or learn”. In this sense, each time we “lose” is actually an opportunity to learn something new and adjust our course.
Finally, cultivating realistic expectations for what is actually possible in our current context is key for ourselves, our partners and our children. We’re most likely a bit worn out right now. We’re most likely not going to be able to focus as well. We’re probably less productive these days. That’s OK. Dr. Shauna Shapiro talks about setting “ridiculously unambitious goals”. The idea isn’t to throw our hands up and eat Ben & Jerry’s on the couch for the rest of the pandemic, but to focus on and celebrate micro-movements in the direction of our intentions and preferred habits. This is what actually refuels our tank so we can be present for our families and communities.
Below are two short exercises to help you reflect on your intentions, and how to shape your attention (your habits). Please try them out with an attitude of kindness and curiosity, and let me know what you think!
Resources & Reflection Exercises
Reflection Exercises
Read through questions, don’t rush, then on another piece of paper reflect on your thoughts/feelings for about 10 minutes for each set of questions. Use the format that works best for your brain -- free-write, draw, doodle, list, bullet point, diagram. Don’t edit, don’t worry about perfection. You don’t have to answer all of the questions, use them as guides to stimulate your creativity. Nobody is going to see this, it’s just for you.
Intention/Purpose Exercise
· What do I care most about at this time?
· Who is important to me?
· What are my core values?
· What do I want to grow? In me, my family, my community, my work team, my world.
· What part of my purpose has been blocked/interrupted by the pandemic(s)? What part has been activated by the pandemic(s)?
Attention/Habits Exercise
What habits/routines give me confidence and ease? What gets in the way?
What brings me joy?
How have I had to change or innovate my wellbeing habits/routines in the context of the pandemic(s)?
What people uplift me. Who are my guides?
What/who do I set limits on or say “NO” to?
What do I need from others right now (partners, families, co-workers, workplace)?
Resources
Podcast
10Percent Happier - The Scientific Basis for Self-Compassion
https://www.tenpercent.com/podcast-episode/chris-germer-310
Short Articles/websites
The Power of Self-Compassion, Emma Sappala (Science Director at Stanford University’s Center for Compassion & Altruism Research and Education)
https://www.tenpercent.com/meditationweeklyblog/the-power-of-self-compassion
The Science of Self-Compassion
Science, practical exercises and more
Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
https://self-compassion.org
Chris Germer, Ph.D.
https://chrisgermer.com
Book:
Good Morning I love you: Mindfulness and Self Compassion Practices to Re-wire your Brain for Calm, Clarity & Joy. Dr. Shauna Shapiro
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Morning-Love-You-Self-Compassion/dp/1683643437